I feel funny.

Ellen likes Bella just because Bella wants Ellen, but if Bella were good Ellen would want Bella over me.  It feels funny because I was waiting for like a bunch of fans, not like feeing made fun of cuza Bella.  Like, she makes special posts and things for her when she might not even know.  Does anyone know how Bella knows when Ellen wants to tell her something?..

I mean, it's like also she's the new favorite.  She seems to have taken a spot in what I felt was my Ellen relationship, but what I wanted all along was less than what I have now.  Let's talk @ it.  I do feel sorta insulted and like I said I don't know why.  Online, she used to have me and the other fans, and now she's gearing toward a famous teenager..  I mean that, yea, it just feels funny and I don't know why.  She did post about seeing us on Monday.  Let's talk @ this.  Why don't ya'll ever post on my board?  I mean then Ellen could talk to lots of people without showing 1 person off at me.  I wouldn't have twice the fight.

I am happy, but it feels like a punishment.  I just mean I get a funny feeling and don't know what it is.  I've accepted already that I wanted more people in my life.  I just feel like rushed, abandoned, and I want to admit I'm alone in general or more alone which makes a hole in my life like a donut that I have to fill for my tummy tum tum.

Does anyone else want in?  Like on Bella?  She's quite a baby, wants what she wants, takes advantage of being rude to me and treating me like a fly, too.  Overally, she's nice when you get down to it but maybe needs to hang around people who aren't me.  I just wanna talk about it.  Like, oh, Bella.. let's sit here in standstill and just mention "Bella" every other time we do something.  Funny thing is that's what happened to me, and I dont' question it really but when it would come to something like Ellen yea.  I don't agree much with like say no one deserves Ellen, but she does know people.

So, just an unexplained funny feeling.  Am I supposed to be jealous?  Are all the juicy things going to Bella?  I have to share with Bella an extra set of veins.  I just feel Ellen is forgetting about me at last, which is fine and expected at least in some fashion it is to be imagined like that.  Why was my time up and gone?  That's not what I wanted.  I had a hard time, and someone is up to no good, making fun of me about how I feel @ Ellen.  I have no relationship with anyone it seems.  I just feel like I don't have it now.  She maybe never liked me as much as I her.  I am not jealous of Bella, but I feel something has happened because of her.  I do feel she gives a cry in the dark because she is part Spanish and Italian.  Italians are dangerous.  They hate the Chinese like the Jews.  It's just so hysterical that she cries out for wanting Ellen.  I mean, I thought she was confident and knew that she could meet her if she wanted just because she is famous and that Ellen also would meet attractive teenagers but not young adults, biding her time, yet again another thing.  Don't you even find it selfish?  I couldn't say these things before, but I guess I can just act like I'm not me.  So what, I'm hurt all the time and never told Ellen to pay attention to me.  I've never seen anything as selfish and high seated as this.  Notice in this sentence I did not say Bella.  It's just something for them to do, so why not do it to them, too?  I can argue this isn't really how it is, but selfish, it's so funny to think Bella is selfish.  Now, me, I just feel hurt, I'm not selfish.  Like I said, I don't know why.  Ellen thinks I cursed too much at her.  I feel she is acting like this is a punishment and Bella is just being a *beep* like Helena Bonham Carter.  These people are animals: "Why not just anyone have Tim Burton or Ellen DeGeneres?  That means -I- can."  That just will make people feel at a loss for words..

I don't mean Bella is really necessarily selfish, but it appears so.  I don't mean so in "wanting Ellen."  Wanting her like a prize.  What's wrong with that I in a way know Ellen?  That's mean to be mean to me for that.  That's what Ellen did to me..  That's all Bella can say.  So, sorry, some of what I said was hard to say, but I don't mean to label Bella as selfish for "wanting Ellen."  I did say it was the most selfish thing I've seen, but that's to show 1 side of it.  I seem really selfish, but I just wanted my life.  It might be impossible to "get Ellen" or know her like Portia.  What would you do anyway?  I'm too old to be adpoted.  Idon't want Ellen.  I just feel made fun of and for some reason she doesn't completely like me in some way.  What the *beep* is Bella doing?  I understand too Ellen thinks I'm breaking away.  I did say I'd rather make fun of her than force upon her myself.  I feel too dry to cry, even.  Why is my relationship with Ellen unfixable?  I only was mad at the clicks in my room mainly.  Once she said "half" when I was mad, and she acted like it was a big deal I said she couldn't do that.  This was this past week.

Well, I'll let anyone out there read this now and I'll think of another hunk perhaps - usually don't.

I'm just upset about the fact I'm being blamed for my relationship with Ellen.  I only got mad at the experiment.  That's what I cursed at.  They acted like it was Ellen saying that.  That's what she is using against me.  She even wanted me to do it, I think..  Who cares @ that!  She shouldn't have been in this situation.  Was she just here to do that?  I was mad at Ginny for not caring about me in the end, as well, and wanting to be nicer to someone else and not making them feel like good bye.

I don't care if Ellen doesn't make others go through this, but she made me go through it or I did.  It's just that she treats Bella better, and I am not talking to her but to other people and fans.  I don't want her to change anything as I sha'n't forgive her for anything.  She used what she did to me against me.  What did I do?  I only get fits sometimes.  I don't feel I've enjoyed her as much, and things goto in the way later on, as well.  She's just not as emotional in my opinion, like she can't get better and I didn't know why and still don't.

Why is Bella better?  What would she do without her, be nicer to others?  Why should we care @ Bella.  She is just putting on a facade.  Italians are like that, and she's also Spanish among other things or besides another.

Why did Ellen come in just to trash me?  Constant noises in my room approved of by her.  Let's just sit here and talk about, see if we can, the ways she annoys us just to be smart and aware.  I don't know how else you'd like to put that, the ways she upsets us?  If someone else were Bella, maybe it'd be nicer.  I think I'm just mad that she does nice things for Bella and give me attention however apparently less, if that meant anything to you.  I imagined the fans would post online and then we'd see what she says.  She tells BELLA SHE IS BETTER THAN ME.  Fine, I guess.  I don't think 1 thing can be better than another when it comes to humans in general.  I don't want to be enstranged and in trouble.  I mean, does Bella even check her?  I had asked already does Ellen send her clips or something??  Ellen is just a picture on a TV, too, and she's there to get tomatos thrown at her.  I've praised lots of things.  I just don't feel like things turned out okay..

Disclaimer, fine dedicate things to Bella, I'm happy but I feel insulted at the same time I guess as she is treated better.  I'm not still okay, I'm the 1 who's being done against in this case for no reason!  She probably didn't even know that at 1st at least!  She acts like she has to know all these things, and it's like why do these things seem like good things to have matter?

But I think it's partly pretend, in which case I think or wonder if Bella said these things and feels this way about me and is just playing and not being serious and doesn't know what she's talking about.  She is showing off her Floridian heritage but has too much LA and NYC heritage now.  She is rich and can make a sand castle.

So, I don't know if I can say hooray to the happy couple as I close this off because I think they aren't exactly that.  I just noticed a lot of big things happening because Ellen is upset @ the past, when for me it was a fight and struggle cuz ya'll are worthlessly mean to me about things.  So.. who wants to talk @ it?  I never will apoligize enough.  Sorry if the part about Bella seeming selfish hurts anyone's feelings, but why would you demand to take away attention from Ellen?